Purdy Holsom

by Purdy Holsom

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about

John Waters meets Garfunkel & Oates.

credits

released February 14, 2014

All songs written by Purdy Holsom/Emily Pakes.
Vocals & Guitar by Purdy Holsom.
Backing vocals, Keys, Percussion & Bass by Emily Musolino.
Produced by Emily Musolino at Blue Moose Studios in Durham, NC.
Album art by Emily Henderson.

Yes, this was an album made entirely by people named Emily.

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all rights reserved

about

Purdy Holsom Durham, North Carolina

Singer-schlongbiter, rapper wrong-righter

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Track Name: Mudturtle
Well the mud turtle lurks in the murky swamp water all day
if he chomps down some mud
while he's eatin' it's all the same
now ladies have a special time
and if he really loves you girl, he won't mind so

Chorus:
Lift up that girdle
I'ma show you how to mud turtle--girrrrrl
Raise that river bank and make him chug your mud
'cause when the blood's coagulatin'
He gets points for participatin'
Oh the brown wings are like red ones, but well done

Well you thought you were done with your time of the month last week
for the last three days you've been--so clean you could squeak
Well there musta been a needle up in your haystack
'cause today your panties look like a Rorschach

Chorus
[last line] You like teriyaki wings, come and get you some

Well it breaks my heart that no one's been down there in years
you don't look like an injun, but your panties got a trail of tears
Now your first date comes at the end of your week
So I guess he'll wake up with those plaque candy teeth

Chorus
Track Name: Lambchop
I told my boyfriend the other day, our sex life was just plain bad. He didn’t know how to eat my p*ssy, and I certainly won’t lick his nads. So I gave him an ultimatum, to try and save our love. It’s a little kinky, so hold on to your twinkie as I tell you what I’m thinking of.

Chorus:
You be my lambchop, I’ll be your Shari Lewis, baby if you want our love to last. You be my lambchop, I'll be your Shari Lewis, let me stick my hand up your @$$.

So he tried it and actually he liked it, I had to go and tell my friends. It musta sparked their fires, ‘cause they were all inspired to spelunk in their man’s rear end(s). Some would call me kinky for playing where it’s stinky, but it fixed our sexual glitch. And Carrie may be witty, but Sex in the City has got nothin’ on me, b*tch!

Chorus

Now, I think of Derrick Jeter when I suck your peter, when we f*ck I think of Johnny Depp. But even Johnny would hurl if I pillaged his black pearl, baby you’re the best man yet. So to all of you guys who say you’d never try it, look at us living happily. ‘Cause he wasn’t a quitter, he took it in the $hitter—baby, will you marry me?

Chorus
Track Name: Ladies Don't Crap
Ladies Don't Crap

He always holds doors for me
puts the seat down after he pees
he's such a gent and so I'm bent on being a lady
he always pulls out my chair
walks on the side where traffic is
says please and pardon me
that's why I don't fart or pee, I

Chorus:

Drop a duece, pinch a loaf
I'm gonna saw off a yard of rope
gonna ring my bowels out like an old dish rag
delicately taking a dump
'cause ladies don't crap

he lays down his dinner jacket
over each puddle we cross
and so i'm holding back so
I don't have my dignity lost
when he's opening jam jars, I'm
trying my best to be proper
little does he realize my
butthole's suckin' on a gobstopper


(Chorus)

he always screws lightbulbs in
while he's up there, he kills the bugs
when he sneaks up for a kiss
I squeeze my cheeks to hold back the slugs
he drives me everywhere
gently he applies the breaks
checks noises in the middle of the night
while i'm inside shooting' snakes

(Chorus)

Chorus 2:

Drown the dragon
serve beef stew
drop the kids off at the pool
who am i kidding I'm spawning a brown fish school
and speaking in euphemisms
'cause ladies don't poo
Track Name: The Reds
The Reds

Woke up this morning, I was on the rag
My bedsheets looked like a Japanese flag
I got the reds, I got the reds
More than a tribute to Asia, it's a blood slug fantasia
I got the reds
Ran to the bathroom, left a trail behind
Made a new opening to CSI
I got the reds, I got the reds
These redwings ain't boots, they're sliding down my glutes
I got the reds

Chorus:

Well now I could transition, but I don't want a beard
So I guess I'll just wait for menopause to get here
It's the price that we pay for several more years
of being alive
because we bleed and don't die

Got in the bathroom, sat down, ew
Out of 'pons and T.P., what am I gonna do
I got the reds, mm-mmm, bleedin' through
No tampons or pads or T.P.--it's time for plan two
Looked in the corner, saw my roommate's sock
"She likes tie dye," I said and plugged up my box
I got the reds, and she used all my Kotex
This sock monkey's gone to heaven, it's dead

Chorus 2:

It's a week long blood drive, it's always a chore
Ain't been this much blood on cotton since the Civil War
And it's spewing out faster than a B.P. leak offshore
My little beaver's hardcore

If you like getting scared, if you like to watch
you can rent something gory from my Red Box
I got the reds, horror film straight to your bed
Each new release [splat] Evil Dead in your sheets
I got the reds
If you want it this week, picture putting your willy
into Rob Reiner's mouth as he's throwing up chili
I got the reds, if your kink is what this thing sheds
This week in bed is what Twilight should have been
It's the reds

Chorus:

Well now I could transition, but I don't want a beard
So I guess I'll just wait for menopause to get here
It's the price that we pay for several more years
of being alive
because we bleed and don't die
Track Name: 50 Shades of Xmas
50 Shades of Christmas

Christmas comes just once a year
You've given me a list
Honey, it might make me blush
If we weren't fetishists

I've got a Yule log
I'll drop it on your chest
I've eaten lots of fruitcake
I know what you like best
When I'm your advent calendar
You'll unlock every door
The box with the pink starfish
Is where the chocolate's warm

Christmas comes just once a year
You've given me a list
Honey, it might make me blush
If we weren't fetishists

Gingerbread and turkey
Will fuel is as we go
Away in the manger
Where we'll just let it snow
With oats for all God's creatures
And boughs of mistletoe
Let's turn this nativity
Into a donkey show

Christmas comes just once a year
You've given me a list
Honey, it might make me blush
If we weren't fetishists

Now the sound of sleigh bells
Jingling on a reign
Bite the bit, you filthy shit
It's time for pony play
And baby don't be scared
By the scratch marks that I've scrawled
There's gotta be a reason
Why they call me Mrs. Claus

Christmas comes just once a year
You've given me a list
Honey, it might take some time
But you're taking this fist

We'll be wrapped up together
'Neath the Christmas tree
In one big swaddling diaper
I hope you have to pee
And once we've marinated
This feast for our lord's birth
I know you don't usually eat meat,
But it's the best piece on Earth